Music As Medicine

“One True Creature”

August 2011

Brianna LePage and O'Malley at Smithfield Farm

Falmouth Massachusetts

Throughout my life, I have had a hard time understanding how to take the love and caring thoughts others have had towards me and create them into a receiving emotion. It's difficult to think that people can deeply love me and care for me in many ways. Maybe it's because I feel like everyone and everything I have ever loved has either disappeared or has been taken away. I just feel sometimes that when people love me or animals it's too good to be true. I even thought that once I had my son he was going to be taken away somehow. But, now I need to start understanding and accepting this wonderful gift....If only I could take the words and absorb the beauty behind them. Knowing deep in my heart that what I feel for others is something that I can also accept. Many times I will say, how can someone love me, what is there to love in me. But, I love others with all my heart. Then someone will say, you mean the world to me and I love you more then anything...My response is “really how!”

But, There is one gentle giant, a beautiful creature who is helping me to understand and empathize with the beauty of love. He is showing me that yes, love comes from within, and doesn't have any hidden meaning or hidden feelings. It's a feeling of true emotion that you must accept and let it clarify your body, and your human nature. This gentle giant is a beautiful painted horse.

When I was growing up with my horse, an Arabian Quarter Horse, I felt this inner trust, empathy, and unconditional love that humans can not express. We say we can but not like a horse. He helped me to find myself and find who I was on the inside, then helped me to let it out, and live free. After he passed away, I lost this and started to cage myself back into a person who never understood why someone would want to love me.

Well, I can honestly say for the past 15 years, I have been the old person, caged in fear of loving and loosing....But, with the help of a new friend,his name is O'Malley but I call him “My Sweet Boy”, a creature of affection, I am able to understand things again. I am able to understand accepting outer empathy and love. He is beginning to show me how to trust those around me, and to treasure each and every moment that I have with those I love.

Recently, I got in a huge fight with someone who I truly cherish and love. So I talked about it to my sweet boy, and asked him, how could I do that to someone who means so very much to me. I cried and asked him what to do, he put his head against my chest and rubbed his head back and forth. Telling me to look deep inside, to find the hidden meaning of those who love you, and to just accept the love that is given. I am so afraid of loosing everyone in my life, that I am afraid to get too close to anyone. I love those close to me with all my heart, but I don't want them to get hurt in anyway and don't want them to just disappear one day. But, my gentle creature is showing me, it's okay! He is showing me that we can as humans trust our feelings and emotions, without words but with our hearts.

Life is about so much more then what we say, and my sweet boy, has shown me this again. He has rekindled a fire that was dying inside of me...since my horse passed away. Life with a horse means so much more to me then anyone could ever imagine. I have such a powerful emotional connection to special horses who have chosen to have this relationship with me. It is like nothing you could ever experience in the human world. I just am so afraid that this emotional bond will diminish like many other special relationships to me. If only I had money, I would feel like things wouldn't be taken away that mean a lot to me....maybe he is trying to tell me, that love lies deeper then anything money could buy, but to live in the moment and to create a relationship out of trust and empathy. Affection is hard to find, and when you grow a tough skin, it is difficult to let your guard down and see through to your heart. I want to not be afraid, and I know my sweet boy will help me to not be afraid. It's like when he hears my voice, and neighs for me to come and see him, or when he puts his head through to watch me walk away.....if only I could take these actions and translate them into human contact. I know his actions are genuine, I just need to believe in my heart that it's okay to accept love and know that yes, I am worth it, and I can be loved.

Before, when I was young, my horse was the only one that showed me affection. He was there when I needed to talk, he was there when I needed a friend, and he was there to hug me when I was crying. When I sang to him, he would put his nose in my chest and listen to my feelings and voice. Then one day I did that with my sweet boy, and he did the same thing...I felt like my horses soul was there for that moment. But, then he was gone and a beautiful gift was received. A precious gift of love from another beautiful horse, who was listening to my cry for help. Now my sweet boy, is there to show me that it is okay to think I am worth loving. That's why I truly believe that a gently soul in a special horse has a heart of gold, and can teach more lessons then you could ever learn from people. Maybe we accept the genuine empathy that they have in their hearts that is transcribed into love and emotions by a gentle touch because they only know how to show love without making it complicated. Maybe that is what he is trying to teach me....Don't make love complicated, accept it, love it, and understand you are worth loving. Take the words you hear, receive them in your heart, and transcribe them into emotions. The treasured gift that he is teaching me is to take what I feel inside, capture it and don't over analyze the feelings. Just take them and live for that moment, then transfer them to the next. Those who love you, love you for who you are on the inside and he can see that. He is helping me to see the inner person who has been locked away for many years, with fears and loneliness. He's telling me things are going to be okay and that you can live your life free of loneliness and freedom of losing those around you. Horses are the one true creature that can show genuine affection, empathy, and how to soak it into your heart, so thank you my one true creature.

“A horses sixth sense”

What is it about animals, horses primarily, that can pick up a sixth sense. It's like a child who hasn't learned to judge or to put up boundaries towards people. Like a newborn baby, who can love and show affection, feel inner feelings for those they care about and feel safe in their loved ones arms. For example I was sick one night while riding and no matter what I did, I couldn't get “my sweet boy” to trot. He was so slow and just took it easy, then I noticed the next lady that rode him, he was running much more. Now that I think about it, he knew I wasn't feeling well and wanted me to have a nice easy ride. That was fine with me since I wasn't as strong. I told him earlier in the night that I wasn't feeling well. The girls at the barn said, he had been acting up during the day, but when I was on him, he was totally different.

Horses have a way of understand far beyond words....it's with their heart! If only humans could be like that, it would be nice. Being a sensitive person, it is easy for me to feel the sensitivity in a horse. To be able to understand and feel or even hear a horses thoughts is a gift. If one has this gift then the relationship you have with that one true creature is significant and true in so many ways. It's a true inner strength that then will show throughout your entire body. A horse is able to help create this inner strength. Some people may think this is strange but, until you are able to connect with at least one of Gods greatest creatures then you may never understand the unconditional connection that one can have with a horse. You can not chose who your special horse will be, he or she has to chose you. I can connect and have a special relationship with, my sweet boy, yet I can try and be the same way with another horse and they don't want anything to do with me. That goes to show how they are individuals just like any other of Gods creatures. They have a personality, and will chose who they truly want to love and trust. Their safety lies in your hands, their trust lies in your hands, and their unconditional love lies in your hand. We as humans need to learn how to empathize with each other like a horse. They only think of one thing at one time, and we need to do that also. I have been overwhelmed many times in life, like many others. But, with this new wonderful relationship, my sweet boy is showing me to slow down, clear my mind, and live for now, not tomorrow, and not yesterday, but for the moment. I think one of the special gifts he is getting out of our relationship is that there are children around and others who ride him everyday, but haven't taken the chance to truly get to know who he is on the inside, and show him how special he really is. He gets a lot of attention and love, but what I give him, I think, is different and he can see that. I am more interested in showing him how special he is on the inside, listening to him, and accepting his love, then riding him as a reward for his kindness.

I wish that everyone could feel this feeling, this warmth, this love that I feel. I can honestly say, that I can look at a horse that I am connected with and tell you how he is feeling, what he is afraid of, or if he is hurt or needs something. Having the gift to also feel pain in people and animals makes this a little easier. My hands fill with an energy that extracts throughout the body and into the source of the being. When I am with my sweet boy, I can feel what he is feeling and I know he can feel what I am feeling. You can just tell by the way they act around you. Many times people will say, dogs feel that way too, but horses are in a different category then dogs because they are able to share a voice of silence with the person that they care about. Dogs can feel your pain and they can comfort you in your time of need, but horses have a silent voice that will speak through all of your pain and hurt. They will hold you and love you when you cry, they will neigh and whinny when you are happy, they will trust you to keep them safe when they are afraid. Last night when I was riding my sweet boy he was afraid of something in the ring. He jumped and didn't want to move, so I just softly said to him, “It's okay my sweet boy, you are with me, and I will make everything okay...it's just a bunch of stuff in the corner, you don't have to be afraid.” I gave him a hug and he was no longer afraid. With a soft voice and a gentle touch I was able to help him to feel safe. Just think of how we have to make our children feel safe, hold them close and with a calm voice tell them everything will be okay. Well, it's the same! We can't get upset with them for being afraid of little things like a leaf dropping, or things in the corner of the room. If you think about it, they want to make you feel safe, and when they get startled they aren't doing their job. They know they are bigger and stronger then us, and when you have that type of relationship with a horse, they are there to protect you, and when they can't it's like they have let you down. But, we have to tell them it's okay, we are taking care of one another. That's always how I have thought of it, whenever a horse I am riding has gotten spooked by something. Maybe if you think of it in that way, it will make it better for both you and your horse. They may even feel guilty about getting you all upset over something that they got spooked at. Just remember, horses are the best at empathizing with us and we have to do the same for them. Never get too upset with them, they can't think things out like we can, or think before they act...with their silent voice, their caring heart, and their soft spirits, together you can create a bond of unconditional understanding and love like nothing else you have ever experienced. I wish others could have this chance to feel this connection, and they could express it in words from the heart. Not being afraid of what others would say to you about how weird it may sound, or how it may look, just speak from your heart about your true relationship.

I have a special thank you, to say about this special bond. It's a special thank you to someone who made this all possible, without her I would have never been able to rekindle this gift of love for horses. She is one of the dearest people I have ever met and am extremely proud to have her in my life. So I thank you Jan for making this possible and for trusting me, and letting me feel free enough to have this relationship with one of your special horses. I often times wish that I had something to give you, money, or something to pay you back for all that you have given me in the short time that I have known you. It means more to me then you could ever know. I hope that our friendship can last for years to come, and it will just get stronger with each day. If you weren't the special person that you are then this could have never happened and my life wouldn't be as happy as it is now. So thank you for everything, you could never imagine how much this means to me....I just wish I could think of someway to show you.

Thank you,

Brianna